Letter to me

So currently sitting on the floor of my makeshift closet for the 4th hour, hating on myself, feeling like a general shit storm, basically blaming myself for everything that is happening in my world. Basically the “why aren’t you better?” narrative.

I wrote a letter to myself a little bit ago that called me out on all the shit that I’ve been doing to myself, that I promised myself i wouldn’t do. So here is that:

Hey you,

I just wanna apologize for all the shit I put you through. I know I over work you, keep you up and run you dry. I know that “self-care” is not wanted but rarely taken. I’m sorry. Rarely do I ever say “hey! You deserve a break! We should take one of those.” Rather the battery has run dry and we’re down to our last energy stores in a desperate plea to keep going. Just one more mile, just a few more things, just one last favour, THEN we’ll deserve that break.

The thing is that I still have no idea what that charger is. Everyone suggests all these ideas to recharge, but regardless I get more and more tired. It’s like I’m trying to plug myself into a bunch of different adaptors, and though they kinda fit, they’re not charging properly. I’m working on that. Slowly.

The fact of the matter is, that helping people simultaneously recharges and drains me. I feel really good when I’m doing it, until the stress of everything hits me and suddenly I feel like I’m drowning. I don’t know how to stop. I don’t know when to stop. If I’m there I wanna finish the job, whether it kills me or not. The biggest curse is that I’m too helpful. I know that people use that as a way to make themselves look good, but not in this case. I help people to the point that I don’t have energy, patience or time to help myself. I put the mask on everyone else on that plane but forgot to put it on myself. I’m trying to stop. I promise. So this is a promise I need to make to you. It might not happen now, but it’s gonna happen.

Dear mind,

I’m sorry I’m so horrible to you. I’m sorry that I say horrible things and make you over work and over think about unimportant things. Things that have happened in the past, things that MIGHT happen in the future, things that don’t even matter. I promise I’m gonna try and fill you with good thoughts

Dear Body,

I’m sorry I torture you. Make you work hours, days, weeks on end with no break aside from sleep. I’m sorry that the words “self-care” haven’t quite reached you yet. I promise I’ll try harder to dedicate time for you to rest. I’ll make small moments to recharge during the day, and give you big rests regularly.

Dear me,

I’m sorry I’m so hard on you. You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re doing well, and the fact that you’re here and breathing instantly makes you better than everything that I’ve been telling you for the past 10 years. You’re not fat, ugly, stupid or horrible at all. You’re amazing. Start believing it.

Regards,

Lina 

I keep feeling like I’m getting better, but feel like I’m steps behind where I should be considering I’m been in this mental hellhole for 5 years. I keep trying to compare myself to others, and that’s my biggest downfall. I blame all the issues of the world on myself, and I know I need to stop.

This post was a post for me, and because I hadn’t posted here for a while. I’m studying nursing amidst a pandemic, so bear with me and my absence. But I guess if it helps to hold yourself accountable to yourself, and apologise to yourself for being too hard on yourself, then do it. Ask yourself, if someone were to say all the things you say to you to a friend (that makes grammatical sense, I promise), would you be okay with that?

k.thnx.byee

Depression vs relationships

I broke down last night. There I said it. Anyone with depression would understand having enough, and just needing to collapse into a heaping mess because you’re just exhausted. That was me last night.

I hate being a burden on people that don’t get it. Mostly because no matter what you tell them they don’t exactly help most of the time. They try…but when you’re in the midst of it, all you want to do is relate. You wanna not feel like you’re the weird one of the lot. Not that they mean it, but they tend to do the disregarding of feelings and try and prove that your feelings are just a creation in your own head. But someone who relates knows all the techniques and things that makes them feel better. I’m not saying that everyone has type of depression, but they can relate to you and understand not quite understanding why you’re a heaping mess.

So, my boyfriend is one of the ones that has not been through it. He hasn’t been through the trenches and hells of mental health. Honestly, I wouldn’t want him to. I wouldn’t wish this upon my worst enemy let alone the one that I love. But it also means that I can’t talk to him about this stuff. I know he wants to understand and it’s hard to watch him worry about me. I do my best to tell him when I’m okay what he can do to help, and that’s all you can do. I’ve given him a cheat sheet for my anxiety, which arguably is much easier to deal with than depression…for me at least. All he could do last night was hold me and do his best. Even through the fighting him off, all he knew to do was hold me.

I talked to a friend last night about it. He told me that even though I couldn’t talk to my boyfriend about it, there were people that I could talk about it with. People I could relate to. Finding that group is like having a “shared pain” scenario. Plus, I don’t necessarily want to have my boyfriend to take all the bad stuff anyway. Is that bad?… I know in relationships you’re supposed to take the good and the bad, but…. depression and all its quirks is A LOT. It’s not like he doesn’t have to deal with some of it, but putting that on him is far too much for him to handle. I don’t want that.

On the plus side. I’m finally getting help….again. Hopefully I won’t crack anymore.

To all that are reading this, I’m sorry for Sunday night. I’m going through some stuff that is hard to explain because I don’t completely understand it. I’m sorry for any worry or harm I caused. You don’t deserve it.

That’s it from me for a bit.

K.thx.bye

Reasons why

I’ve decided to stop with the desc. and cresc. just because my posts are a mix of both. I’m trying to find the good in the bad…thus I don’t want to say that they’re good or bad specifically. Still gonna continue posting (when I can) though.

And with that. On with the post

So. I did a bit of psychoanalysis on myself. I honestly didn’t realise how much emotional abuse i copped until I started delving into why I did certain things, was afraid of other things, and had certain thoughts.

OCD

I’ve talked about this before, but I have OCD about time and money. Basically anything to do with numbers. Something that I’ve never actually been able to shake. To others having a few hundred in your spendings account is a lot. Like I’ve always found it strange that people can see $20 in their account and go “yes. I still have money I can spend”. When i go look in my bank account and see anything below $400 my mind goes into panic mode. Mind you, this is my spendings account. Not my savings. Last week i had somewhere around that mark in my spending and my mind went “whelp…guess im not going out and spending for the next week!”. Same thing goes with time. If someone tells me to be somewhere at 11, you better believe I’ll be there at least 10 mins early, with me apologizing i wasnt a shit tonne earlier!

Now you might be wondering “but what does that have to do with emotional abuse?” I think this is the least abusey thing, but my parents have always been a steggler for time. If I’m even 5 mins behind schedule, then I cop so much talk about how I should have been better, and earlier and faster. Whether it was my fault or not. I have been told so many times that things are my fault and put down that many times that I blame myself for majority of the things that happen. Its not “how can i learn from this?” It’s “you are useless, and horrible. What are you doing?”

The ‘silent’ treatment

A massive issue i have with my mental health is that i literally have zero clue how to talk about it. I have a tendency to shut up about it. I tend to worry people because I just passive aggressively say “I’m fine” and leave it at that. I think everyone who has ever had chronic mental health issues can recount the countless stories of people telling them to “get over it” and others telling them “but my life is worse”. I’ve had that from my family all my life. I’ve literally taken that on. My thinking process is not “stop sulking and stop being a drama queen”. Because I never really had too many close friends til i was in uni, I got used to no onr caring about my issues and feelings. I processed them in my head, and swept it under the carpet. If i was ever sad or in a shit mood, the usual response wasn’t “hey what’s wrong? Let’s talk about it”, it was “hey, what’s wrong? Stop sulking, your life is perfect”. Hearing that from people that you dont know is barely okay….hearing thst from people who are meant to be your carers and the ones who love you the most…i dont know. Theres something off about that.

Jealousy

Even jealousy. I hate and i mean HATE that feeling. I think its a useless feeling that is not required. But i feel it so often. I got quite jealous of someone that my other half was hanging out with. Now, this is okay. He’s allowed to hang out with whomever he likes. But my issue was that I put it in my head that she was perfect. I had put her in a golden throne in my head in the worst was possible. I literally compared her to me and convinced myself that she was better than me in every way….just the way that my parents did to me. Every time I did an achievement, it would never be enough. They would compare me to my older brother or someone who was gifted in books. I dont think i even heard the words “well done” when i graduated uni. They did however critique me on how i didn’t graduate with distinction. They have also said “why don’t you get a job with your brother? He can get you in”. Despite the fact I’ve told them multiple times, I’m a hands on caring person. I like the face to face interactions and the caring component of my job. He works in an office from 9-5 or there abouts….minimal contact with anyone, just the way he likes it. I’ve always been lead to believe that I’ll always be second best…why would i believe now, after 20 years, that I am good enough or that I’m first choice?

What is help?

I’ve turned down so many opportunities and avoided asking people for help to get me out of situations because I’m terrified of people asking me why I want to do something. I’m scared that my reasons wouldn’t be “good enough” for them, or that they’ll tell me that I’m “stupid for getting into this mess”. I’m so used to being wrong, and always having to admit i was wrong. I’ve second guessed myself too many times to count, had multiple panic attacks because I can’t decide. Again, why would I believe I was correct when I’ve always had to be the “bigger person” and been told that I was wrong? I’ve never been told “you were right and i was wrong” in my family. That only solidifies when i make a mistake actually and people get to say i told you so to me. They have every right to.

I think the worst part about their denial is that if i try and “talk to them about it” like I’ve been asked to, they’ll deny everything or mock the crap out of me, make excuses, or whatever. I mean, my mum read my diary. She justified this by saying it was out, so i must’ve “wanted her to read it”. It recounted all the times i harmed myself. We have never talked about it. She both said it was not her fault, in a lengthy letter blaming me for never talking to her, and blaming “the devil that lives inside me” that i need to “pray out of me”.

I’ve second guessed whether I’ve over reacted. Maybe this is normal and I’ve just blown things out of proportion. But i honestly have no clue anymore. I’ve been told that it is emotional abuse but i dont realise it because its literally a sense of homeostasis. I’ve gotten so used to it it’s a new norm.

This post will probably be added to in the future. But it’s 4.36am and sleep is probably needed.

K.thx.bye

The price of happiness

Money doesn’t buy happiness

We all know that saying. It’s said so many times when we can’t afford the latest model of phone, that “freaking amazing game that came out last week”, the tickets to the next Ed Sheeran concert or whatever. But from a medical and clinical psychological point of view, I don’t think that’s the case.

I was calling up the psychology clinic I usually call the other week. This was after mustering every last bit of energy and pushing down every bit of doubt I had towards getting help. These clinics are the free ones where even though they don’t have free psychologists, they have free counselling services. Unfortunately, because of this, waiting lists are up to 4 weeks long. As you can imagine, this doesn’t work for someone with mental health issues on the verge of breaking down. For me to get a more permanent solution…or instantaneous rather. I need to pay around $40 per session.

Now, this doesn’t seem like a lot. But honestly. This is a lot more than the nothing I originally had to pay. I’m lucky in the fact that on top of this I don’t need to pay for drugs, and a psychiatrist, and various other treatments that cost a heck of a lot more.

I was discussing this with my boyfriend, and telling him that I probably can’t afford it. He didn’t quite get why I needed it exactly, until I reminded him about the mental break down with him around. He then very jokingly said “I thought that money couldn’t buy happiness”. I, so very well, wish that wasn’t the case. No amount of physical possession will ever make any one happy. But this being said, apparently when you need medical help, your mental health becomes an extra. Since when was your brain and mental health not a priority? I guess it’s got to do with that stigma thing. The fact that no one particular wants to talk about stuff they don’t understand.

I was watching a BuzzFeed video about pills and stuff. I don’t mean like recreational drugs, I mean medications.

Jeez, this is getting expensive. What is the price of happiness? When my insurance wouldn’t this medication, I got changed to this medication.

Okay. So I’m a strong believer in buying generic brands. But when it comes to trying to change hormones and chemicals.. and medicating such a temperamental part of the body, I am weary. It felt like in this case, she was given a completely different pill and multiple different types of pills.

What is the price of happiness?

Well according to some it’s about $20 a month. For people on health care card it’s closer to $6. I don’t even want to think about the other various therapies that people go through and how much that would cost without benefits.

Then there’s the time involved. Oh. Dear. God. Time. Man, I sometimes feel like I don’t even have time to sleep and eat. What the hell makes you think that I have time to travel to someone to pay to talk to them. Or taking time out of your day to go to the doctors to refill prescriptions and then go to the pharmacy. It really takes a section out of your day….

Okay, okay I’m over dramatizing it a bit. But for someone with depression, these things take a shit tonne of effort. Day to day tasks already feel like climbing Mt Everest, what makes you think that going out to a doctor and getting the necessary referrals would be any different?

So for me, money is a big thing. I’ve skipped meals because I didn’t think I deserved a meal because I thought I was spending too much. No matter how much the thing is, if I’m in that frame of mind, if I don’t feel it necessary I’ll usually contemplate getting it. Like I’ve stood in front of the fridge section at the shops and wondered “do I really need to get this discounted $3 pasta salad?” After not eating for 12 hours after a 7 hour shift. For me, medication has always been an after thought for me when it comes to mental health. Not just because of monetary value but also because of the effort it takes to get it, with no guarantee that it’ll legitimately help.

So whether you can actually put a price on happiness…I don’t know. I’ll leave that for you to decide. But I don’t think it’s completely out of the question that you can place a price on happiness when trying to treat the various types of mental illness.

Guys. I need your help. If you’re actually reading this, say hi! Suggest oher things I can write about. I need to make this more relatable.

Anyway that’s it from me!

K. Thx. Byee

Self doubt (desc.)

You know those times when you think it’s just a tiny issue, then you think about it and you realise it SOO much more than that? That it’s just one part of this huge problem?

So I was gonna name this ‘illogical jealousy’, talking exclusively about jealousy in a relationship context…. then shit started happening and I realised that it was just one part of this huge problem I’ve suffered with for my goddamn whole life.

I freaking hate jealousy. It’s stupid. It’s the most useless emotion ever. I’m not saying that other people shouldn’t feel jealousy towards me… I’m saying I have feeling jealous, especially towards the actions of my given half. I mean like, LOGICALLY, I know I’m not gonna get left just because someone is prettier than I am or smarter or whatever. Somewhere in my brain, it can’t quite get it, and it leave me in complete doubt of my whole existence. “He’s gonna leave me for her, she’s so much better than me, I’m just the consolation prize”…yeah stupid right?

You know how I said that this was a part of a bigger problem? So there is a preconceived notion in my brain that I’m never gonna be the best, that I’m never gonna be good enough, that before I’ve tried I’m ALREADY not good enough.

You can probably tell I’m not exactly the most resilient person. I am literally my own worst enemy. I don’t really know if it’s because I’ve been met with so many failures that I’ve come to an automatic assumption that everything will fail (not a good way of thinking by the way) or I’ve just never had enough self esteem to think I could do succeed in the first place (also not a good way of thinking). I mean you can’t fail if you didn’t try right?

So I’m going through so much right now. I need to do so much stuff, but I’ve already got the outcome in my head of how it’s probably gonna go. This would be okay, but I have about 5 cheerleaders from various places and understandings to the situation that tell me otherwise. I’ve already convinced myself that the worst case scenario is what is gonna happen, and I don’t want to see it happen. I haven’t even given it a try and I’ve given myself more work because I’m scared of seeing what I think/”know” is gonna happen play out.

Alternatively, in the case of jealousy…why I created this post in the first place. I know that everything I’m thinking is illogical, so I talk to everyone to help me sort out the thoughts in my head except for the one person that can ACTUALLY help me. So I got super hung up on a situation involving my boyfriend. Basically what it boils down to (logically) is that he has eyes. He thought (and probably still thinks) that another girl is physically attractive. This is perfectly fine, because honestly….yeah…she was gorgeous. Now, consciously and logically, I could put that together, but my illogical side and my anxiety had other plans. I literally had the thought in my head that he was gonna leave me and that he thought that she was better than me. I had told about 10 other people this. You know the one person I didn’t tell? My boyfriend….the one person that could’ve put everything straight. And it was because I knew that it was illogical, and again, I jump to conclusions and didn’t want to start a fight. Instead I suffer in silence.

I actually have zero clue whether I’m alone in this or not. I wanna hear your stories if you have them. If you can relate to it, there’s a comments section on wordpress. Or you can message me on the Facebook or comment on the Facebook post.

I hope I can get some slightly more cheerful posts up soon. Some cresc. posts maybe. If you guys have anything you want me to write about in a long rambly post that leads nowhere…hit me with it. Might as well give you guys something that you actually want to read than something that I get from my everyday life then over think.

Okay. I’ve tried to finish this post twice now. Third time lucky? Yea. I’m off.

K.thx.bye

That ‘self care’ thing

Writing about 5 blogs at once. Two of which are for this blog. The other ones are for the placement.

I’ve been in complete work mode for the past 2 weeks. Between placement, work and obligotarily going to gigs and open mics, and just doing a bunch of things for others opposed to myself, I’ve realised that I zapped all the emotional energy from my system. This happens relatively often, so fair to say I’m used to it. Last night I snapped. I had anxiety attacks and depressive episodes at the same time. To the point where I didn’t have energy to have another anxiety attack….I had one like 10 mins later.

By the way, for those who don’t know and don’t have them, anxiety attacks and panic attacks that last a while are freaking tiring. I think I’ve said it before in a previous blog, but man, any energy you could have possibly had left, all gone. Whether that be physical energy or emotional energy. Now…I was in a public place, and I was essentially hiding it, so my attacks came in waves of adrenaline and deep depression. Any conversations were an attempt of me gathering every last bit of energy left in me to just talk. So I said it in the last post (knowing anxiety), and I’ll say it again…don’t freaking hide an anxiety attack…it’s not fun.

Okay. Back to the self care…yeah. that’s an important thing. I really can’t stress this enough. Honestly. I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve sat there and told myself “I’ll relax when….” Or “I’ll eat properly after…..”, And not realised that my work and concentration levels are being affected because I haven’t taken care of myself. Particularly, when you have a mental health conditions, making sure you are practicing self care is SO GOD DAMN IMPORTANT.

Stress is a part of life, it’s hard on anyone, and people without MH condition take time out to make sure they’re okay. So why is so hard for us to do it? Why is it so damn hard for us to relax?… I’ll tell you why. Guilt. We feel guilty for relaxing, and taking time to ourselves. But we have to. It’s this realisation that I think we all have, but none of us are willing to follow through with. I know I’ve sat there and convinced myself that I don’t need to get up and eat because it’ll be a waste of time…. literally. I’ve got up because I was hungry and convinced myself that food isn’t as important as my work….who the hell does that?! I know food is a fairly fundamental basic necessity of life…but nah…I don’t need it.

So stress. When you have a MH condition, impacts you so much more. It’s like you’re already struggling with day to day life…getting out of bed and finding motivation to do normal stuff, and then you’ve got this added challenge of meeting expectations.

I really don’t know where I’m going with this. But self care isn’t about going to a day spa and pampering yourself. Self care is taking time to do something you WANT to do, opposed to doing something that you feel you have to do. If that means reading a book, then do that. For me it’s listening to music and watching BuzzFeed unsolved videos for hours on end. Even writing these blogs. Doing it because I wanna do it.

But I think that’s it from me. I don’t know whether that made any sense at all. So under the advice of my lovely boyfriend, I’m setting up a Facebook page. This blog started as a way to desperately try and explain my brain, whilst also start a conversation about mental health. This will hopefully add to the conversation…opposed to make people feel sorry for me. That’s the very last thing I want. I will link that in the next post, once I have the whole thing set up. Okay. I’m gonna go watch more YouTube videos.

K.thnx.bye

Knowing anxiety (desc.)

‘you can’t know what that experience is unless..well..you know it.’

I’m sorry I haven’t been writing often, but like. Let’s be honest, I’m terrible at keeping schedule. I’ve been writing blogs non stop for a bit, about mental health, just not for this blog. I’ll post some of them soon or at least link them for you guys. But anyway onto this blog.

I watch this show called the Fosters. No sorry, I’m minorly obsessed with this show. One of the characters has panic attacks, (which by the way is surprisingly accurate to how I feel, but not how I actually act) and her mum walks in to calm her down…using the 5,4,3,2,1 technique. Post anxiety attack they have a heart to heart about anxiety, and the quote above is said. It rang far too true to me.

As much as I wish I could say that I could explain it, and as much as I do try and explain the feeling of an anxiety attack, you cannot truly understand the feeling of a panic attack until you actually experience it. All I can say is that, it is not an experience I wouldn’t even wish on my worst enemy. Though I know that my current worst enemy has DEFINITELY experienced it.

I think that’s one of the main problems with treating mental health conditions. It’s so hard to explain what an anxiety or depression is like. Not only does it not strike each person differently, but most of the time, it doesn’t even present the same each time I have an episode. Honestly, sometimes I catch myself in a depressive episode and wonder whether I’m just being lazy and forgot to take my meds or something, or I’m actually having a down. Unfortunately, particularly with depressive episodes, they’re both completely spontaneously and yet so gradual at the same time. They seem to come out of nowhere, but you feel like the feeling of being down has been there all along. ‘you don’t know the feeling, til you…well.. know it’.

With my anxiety, it has so many triggers. Tonight, in fact, I found out that a potential trigger is large crowds of people I don’t know. I think that’s a fairly common one. But I’ve been triggered previously by certain smells. Those are ones that I can usually identify though. So for me, I connect people to smells, especially with partners and people that I am close to. So when I have a relationship break down (see my most toxic relationship) and I smell that someone’s scent then my brain goes into panic mode.

I think the other thing that this scene raised was the way people react to mental illnesses, particularly when there is no diagnosis of mental illness. There is a large and sad tendency for people to tell you to ‘get over it’. In fact during a panic attack, I’ve been told to just ‘calm down’. Which terrifies me. It terrifies me to know that people that don’t necessarily know what’s happening have been told to just sweep it under the rug when they have an issue, opposed to actually try and fix it. And hey. GUESS WHAT! That makes it worse!! (Shock horror! If you aggravate a problem IT GETS WORSE!). But what is hard to explain to someone that hasn’t ever experienced a panic attack that it’s something you have to ride out, and that if you try and ignore it, “calm down”, or hide it, it makes it last longer or makes it get worse.

All I have to say about this episode is that it is scarily accurate to what I have experienced. Thank you for giving representation to anxiety attacks and mental health in general. The way that it was portrayed was so accurate and so relatable. That was to a personal experience only, so to others it might seem quite staged…but each to their own.

Anyway, that’s it from me. I’ll be sure to link my other more professionally blogs, you know, when they actually get posted..

K.thx.bye

The anxiety of a phone call (desc.)

As a part of one of my units for university, I have the opportunity to do a placement with a health service. I found and was accepted to a placement with a mental health service as a part of their social media team, or so it looks like at least…mind you, I’m guessing that’s not what I’ll be doing exclusively, but the placement looks really fun. SUPER EXCITING STUFF…one problem. In order to have the placement, I need to make a phone call to my supervisor in the company. HA. This isn’t working well in my brain.

So, I know a lot of people have the same problem with trying to make phone calls and just hate phone calls. I am far from an exception, in fact, I hate it so much that am freaking out about it. I have a mini script in my head for what I have to say and how to say it. There’s just something about phone calls that are extremely uncomfortable, which doesn’t really make too much sense considering you can do it somewhere that you’re comfortable and have everything that you need in front of you. Like when I have phone calls, taking or making, I tend to pace back and forth and spin around and stuff. I also imagine that I have some very strange facial expressions whilst making these phone calls.

If you talk to any of my friends or ARE one of my friends, you’d find that I’m very loud, bubbly, and all round sociable creature…confidence is not an issue for me (confidence in myself, complete different story, but that’s a story for another time), yet the second I need to make a phone call, I suddenly have no clue how to talk. Words go out the window, any logic is suddenly gone..and..why did I call again?

I’ve talked about it quite briefly previously in a previous post (Me vs. therapy (desc)), but phone calls have put me off doing so many things including making doctors appointments, psychologist appointments, jobs prospects or even making phone bookings to a restaurant…”Oh…I need to book this place a week in advance via the phone? I’ll just go somewhere else”. I’ve gotten made said appointments eventually…after typing the number in, checking the number, walking away, picking the phone back up, having my finger hover over the call button, rechecking the number, creating a script for the phone conversation, telling a friend about how nervous I am to make a phone call…THEN finally hitting the call button. For people that seriously need help, like I did a while ago..and most likely still now, that phone call means the difference between getting help and continuing the suffer in silence.

I know the fear is so irrational but my brain just decides that it doesn’t want to cope and shuts down instead.

So halfway through this post, I made the phone call….of course, it went to voicemail! I DID NOT PREPARE FOR THIS! That was potentially the most stuttered voicemail I’ve ever made. I hate voice calls. The good thing is they HAVE to accept me, its a part of my unit and I’ve already been accepted, thus they have to call me back, right? I don’t know. I’m gonna continue on with my day and wait by the phone for a reply.

have a good one folks

k.thx.bye

Only 10 mins early? (Desc.)

Currently sitting downstairs in my apartment block waiting for my boyfriend to get here so we can have a cute dinner date. It’s 830. It takes 15 or so mins to get there and the place closes at 1030pm. 

Most people would probably just chill out about it and be like “oh that’s plenty of time”. But oh anxiety, how I hate you and your non relaxing ways. My brain is scrambling and telling me that it’s too late and we’re not gonna have enough time to eat before the place closes. Or that there’s not gonna be enough space at the place. 

So the thing is the thing that triggers my anxiety the most, is being late to things. I was on the way to the doctors and I was only gonna be on time to it. If you have ever been to a doctor, you’d probably know that more often than not, they’re running behind time. Guess who still had an anxiety attack about the fact they wouldnt be early!…yeah. me

Now. There are many nights where I have spent the night at my boyfriend’s house when he’s had work the next morning. What I have learnt from this is that though he’s never actually late, he’s always cutting it close…by the way, not my fault whatsoever. I stay out of his way! I.e. in his bed whilst he’s rushing about around me. 

Mind you, still not the worst story in terms of tardiness and reliability, he’s not the worst. I mean he’s actually shown up, and given me time updates, which I appreciate and also do when I’m running late. (The funny thing is the first time we met, I was running late to the house inspection and have texts of me telling him I was gonna be a bit late). Majority of the time, my ex didn’t even show up to our catch ups because he was sick or asleep, conveniently only on the day that we needed to meet up. I know it was legit…I think…but really? 

So I wrote this last night. Turns out the place that I wanted to go is closed for renovations, which sucks but we were surrounded by a bunch of other restaurants so not too bothered by that, though I was totally up for hotpot last night, ah well. The date was awesome, as was the food. I feel like I may have oversold it to him though, he was in a freaking suit and tie to a casual joint. Mind you he looked hot as hell but still. I felt underdressed around him. He’s precious on so many levels. 

Anyway. I know there was a point to this, something like, anxiety attacks for really random reasons? I don’t know…I was having an anxiety attack, thinking straight isn’t my forte…..so. that’s where I’ll leave that….

K.thx.bye

To shorts or not to shorts (cresc.)

Two posts in 24 hours?! Whaaaaa? That’s what happens when you start multiple posts without finishing the last one you started…i.e. when you’re unorganised af.

The struggles of summer

If anyone reading lives in Australia, you’ll know that summer is fast approaching. If you’re even CLOSER to me, then you’ll know that Melbourne has their reputation for insane weather patterns that like to give hot days in the middle of winter. Okay Melbourne weather, that’s fine. Coz I DEFINITELY packed my board shorts and sunhat even though it was RAINING this morning. Anyway, bottom line, even though it’s not officially summer, it’s getting warmer.

Now, you’ll probably guess that one way to not overheat legs during warm weather is shorts. Ah. Those lovely creations that often end up showing the vast majority of your legs, especially girls jean shorts like I wear or as I like to call them ‘booty shorts’, because 99% of the time, your booty is showing. Yeah. Those shorts. The one that shows the vast majority of your thighs as well as the rest of your legs.

You’re probably reading this going ‘jee Lina, what do you have against short? They’re fashionable, and you have fabulous legs!’. Firstly, I don’t know how you know I have fabulous legs but I’ll take the compliment. Secondly, why do I dislike shorts? Ha. Ha. Ha. I’ll tell you why. I have a problem with self harm, take a guess where I have a tendency to harm when I do harm. Yeah. The legs. I do believe I’ve talked about this in previous posts but my legs are pretty beat up on the best days. So often I have to make a decision about whether I want to have an anxiety ridden day with me being hugely self conscious about whether people are seeing them, OR letting my legs burn in pants that are inevitably black (coz that’s the only colour pants I own). Usually the anxiety wins and my legs get to cook…fun times

Another fun summer time sport is swimming! Something I legitimately love. I use to train weekly…not hardcore train but I did get up to a fairly high level, purely because I was so persistent with training. Nowadays, I just like getting in the pool to keep up general fitness and cardio. Unfortunately, also nowadays I can’t due to the ‘cat scratches’ on my leg…but..but but..you don’t have a cat….yeah. exactly.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I’m not ashamed of my illness. I am however, annoyed at the ways in which I handle my emotions during the hard times knowing full well 1. What happens and what it is and 2. That there are multiple other ways to deal with the bad times….but instead I have to live knowing I’ve done this horrible thing to myself.

Mind you. Since starting this post, I have worn shorts and had some of my scars show, but it wasn’t for too long. Still, I publicly exposed them…after about 15 mins of deciding whether I should or not. Still…it happened.

I’m at the end of this post and I honestly don’t know where my head is at…I’m swinging from an up to a down… we’ll see how I go hey?

That’s all from me

K.thx.bye