Where are you from? No, where are you REALLY from?

Let’s talk about being Asian. Oh yes, yet ANOTHER post about Asians that seem to be sprawled across the media lately. “UGH GET OVER IT, this doesn’t even affect you! All these attacks are in the states” It’s sad that THAT’S the first thought that comes into my head when I think I should say SOMETHING. But no. It’s a thing that affects probably all Asians, in mostly white communities.

So I’m Asian, but you probably already knew that by taking 1 look at me. You’ve also already put me into a category. “Chinese” “Smart” “Piano” “Karate” “Probably good at technology for some reason”. I’ll speak and you’ll hear me speak not only fluently, but with Australian slang. You’ll probably think, and inevitably say “Where are you from? no I mean your where are you PARENTS from?” oof, if I had a dollar…for EVERY PERSON THAT HAS ASKED ME THAT QUESTION. On top of that, when you do in fact learn I actually am Chinese, you’ll say “NI HAO”, as if I didn’t have JUST had a FULL conversation with you in English, and probably to expect me to say “oh that’s amazing! well done” despite the fact that, let’s be honest, it’s the only god damn phrase you know. Sound pretty accurate? yea, doesn’t seem so fun when it’s all literally laid out in front of you hey? You wanna know what’s even more fun? When you get that basically every time you go to a new place, or meet a new person.

I was watching Anna Akana’s latest video – 6 Asian women have been murdered (at 5.25am, so the emotions were running far higher than what may have been warranted…actually, no! an appropriate amount). It was a spoken word about what simultaneous feels like the “latest news headline” coming out of the racist parts of the states, and also seems like old news. (Good video, highly recommend). All of what was said in that, hit so damn close to home. It also talks about people literally taking one look at her and going “ASIAN! CHINESE!” and all the racist bullshit that is associated with that. Just like to point out that this is NOT AN ISOLATED INCIDENT. Amidst the pandemic, 2 international students from Malaysia (from memory) were attacked by someone whilst walking home from getting milk from the shops….IN MELBOURNE. I held my breath, and prayed that I wouldn’t get the same treatment as I went. But this is just the middle of the story, I’ve had probably about 21 years of this shit. Where I’ve had to stay quiet and laugh it off.

From such a young age, before I could even grasp the term “racism”, people were already pulling their eyes at me. I was getting comments like “Can you even see out of those eyes?” or the stereotypical “Do you speak the ching chong?”. Rather than argue back, me being a shy 5 year old sat by myself, as boys would pick on me and decide that I was different and an outcast. When I was slightly older, I got comments like called names like “Pocahontas” or “Mulan”, which would usually be a term of endearment, but I can just tell that I’m YET AGAIN put into a category just because of what I look like. When I called them out? “Geez, it was just a joke”. Since when did racism become a joke? You don’t even know my name, but I’m just that Asian girl to you. Someone that you can make comments about despite literally never actually talking to me. Ever.

I honestly wish it was only students. Since I was a youngling, I’ve been expected to be a smart, good, quiet student. Somehow when I didn’t fit the cookie cutter mould of the model Chinese student, I was suddenly not the teachers pet, basically not even noticed. I’ve gotten comments like “you’re smart though” despite literally FAILING most of my assignments because I struggle at that writing essays thing. Maths? I was barely passing. Chinese? oof, don’t even get me started. Rather than treat me like all the other students, I felt the expectation that because I was Asian, I was expected to be quiet, studious and smart. All the times I’ve had “oh but you look smart, I can’t believe for a second you aren’t on top of your school work”. No, you mean, I look Asian, and why aren’t you aiming being disappointed at B+ work?

In high school, it got even worse. Not only was I not smart enough, I suddenly wasn’t Asian enough. You see, I am an Asian that grew up and hung around people that were primarily Caucasian. I literally got called “banana” for the first 3 years of my high school career because I was “Asian but white on the inside”. When did Asianness fall onto a scale? Why am I suddenly not “Asian enough” because I don’t listen to K-pop, watch k-dramas and fall into this nice little box that you (most of the time NOT AN ASIAN) think I should be? And how the hell does both my parents coming from Chinese decent not qualify me an Asian? (Just an FYI, I was meant to be happy about this label or basically conform to previously mentioned cookie cutter). And to all the white people that like Asian culture, it doesn’t make you Asian. That’s not how that works. Asian is not a scale based on how you act. It’s a race, and a culture that you can’t just “conform to”. If I spoke watched Latino TV, Spanish Telenovas, does that make me Spanish? So what makes you think the same about stuff in Asian popular media?

Online, I’ve had people defend phrases like “oh do you eat dogs?” and memes like “my cat is missing, must’ve been ming ming”. Worse still, leaders like the orange cheese puff that was running last year, defending statements like “The China virus”, basically putting a target on the backs of every Asian person in the states. But it’s fine we “agree” with it. right?

WHEN THE HELL DID RACISM BECOME JUST A JOKE!? Why do I have to put up with judgements from people that don’t know me, and just keep quiet about it? I’M DONE BEING QUIET ABOUT IT! I’m angry! Really really angry! No more of this bullshit that just because I’m Asian, doesn’t mean I don’t get racist remarks. Because if you think that even for a second that 6 PEOPLE FROM ASIAN DECENT AT 3 DIFFERENT SITES WITH ZERO CONNECTION WITH EACH OTHER IS NOT A HATE CRIME, GO. TO. HELL. Nevertheless of the nationality of these people, he killed 8 innocent people and got away with it. I’m willing to be if the tables were flipped, we would not get that excuse. In fact I KNOW we wouldn’t get that excuse. History has proven that time and time again.

Since the beginning of COVID-19, I feel like I’ve been walking on eggshells. Just getting over the looks of disgust, people putting their masks up when they see me (before masks were mandatory). Hearing statements like “it’s your people’s fault all this happened”. Sir, before you blame me and my people for what I’ve done, remember that I’ve been on the front lines trying to help people not get the virus. Making sure they don’t have temperatures, and doing what was necessary to stop the spread. Meanwhile you just purchased your 300 pack of toilet paper, as if the COVID-19 virus causes diarrhoea.

I’m done with your assumptions about me. I’m done being quiet about everything. I’m done.

PTSD (Desc.)

You know what sucks? Not feeling safe at home
You know what sucks even more? When the reason that you don’t feel safe in your home is because of someone else that lives there.
You know what sucks even more than that (yea. there’s more)? When that someone is like months behind on rent.

The feeling of needing to hide. The hyper awareness and need to jump into “fight or flight” mode every time you hear a noise in the house. My natural instinct is to hide as I recently discovered. Shake and hide. Even though I know full well that nothing bad is ACTUALLY gonna happen, having this paralysing fear that something will. Literally paralysing.

So…..I have PTSD. On top of the depression and anxiety, I have yet ANOTHER thing I can’t control. Stupid feelings. I was in denial about it for so long, I even said to my therapist “but I don’t want to have it”. Of course, the logic of “you don’t decide that” hadn’t quite entered my brain yet. I’m only just starting to come to the terms that this isn’t just an extra layer to my anxiety and it’s actually another full blown illness. Yipee!! -sigh- The stupid thing is that I thought this feeling would go away after like 3 weeks. HA! Surprise surprise IT DIDN’T HAPPEN. The SECOND I went back home, I went back into fight or flight.

I guess I should provide some background…
Basically, we had to tell one of our housemate that we wanted him to leave at the end of the lease. There are a bucket load of reasons why this had to happen, but that is a private matter between myself and my housemates. One thing I will say is that for the past year, every few weeks he threatened to move out over small things. Things that he probably had a right to be annoyed about, but not enough to move out mid lease. Honestly, had we left it another week, there was every chance that he would have left on his own accord at the end of the lease. But…we didn’t.

To say he didn’t take it well would be the under statement of the century. I’ll spare you the specific details of that night, but it involved a lot of crying, shouting, and slamming doors. For other reasons I will not explain to the world, the police had to be called to ensure his own safety. For the next few days, there was more slamming of doors, and an overwhelming angry energy in the air. So for the next few days, whilst everyone was working from home, I sat in my car until I could return home. I drove around for hours, sitting in shopping centres, generally trying to distract myself enough to be able to go home. My partner, who I live with and works out of out room, told me to go back to my parent’s place until I felt safe to return. So, I did exactly that.

Now, this is great, until you remember the fact that I’m not exactly “close” with my parents. I mean, I love them, but they’re not the warm and comforting presence that I needed in a time of complete turmoil. Fair to say I didn’t talk to them for a solid 3 weeks post the incident. On top of that, there were a few days of work that were utter chaos, and I really didn’t have the support network I needed. So I maybe lasted a week and a half at my parents before I was busting to go home. OH BOY was that the wrong choice. I slipped straight back into being constantly terrified. This time, however, uni had started their orientation week, so I had somewhere to be to distract myself. This being said, my partner had late starts, which also meant late finishes. I, on the other hand, had early start (like 9am classes….shut up, still early for me). and therefore had to spend the remaining time distracting myself. For 3 whole days, I was out of the house from at least 8am til 7pm. Which I would be okay with, if I was constantly doing something, like working, or studying. But most of that time I was just constantly worrying, which is really exhausting.

On the good side, he’s left now. Taken all his stuff with him. I’m still kinda worried to be alone in the house, but welcome to my PTSD. I have no reason to believe I’m actually in danger, but that unfortunately doesn’t stop me from being afraid. What really bothered me is that people keep telling me “He’s not actually a danger to you, or himself” as if that actually help. Logically, no, he’s not a danger, but psychology doesn’t work that way. In the moment, it’s terrifying to be in the room with someone who is slamming doors and pulling every last bit of energy to intimidate and scare you. I know that he’s not a danger to me, but it won’t stop me from looking over my shoulder to make sure he hasn’t followed me. It won’t stop me from checking for their car and making sure he hasn’t come back. It won’t make me stop jumping every time someone shuts a door too hard (on purpose or by accident). None of this comes out of logic, if it did I wouldn’t be having these types of responses.

It has taken me so long to recount this story, but I feel like if I type it out or tell people it might give it less power over me. I’ve had people call me brave and strong for getting through this, but I don’t feel like I am. I feel weak, and it’s gonna take me some time to get through it, but I always do.

To all the people in the past few weeks that have helped me, I want to make a public acknowledgement to you. You know who you are.

That’s it from me. I’m sharing this to the Facebook, so any readers from there….this isn’t a pity seeking post. I really don’t want messages from people about this. I just wanted to get this out. Also it may help explain why I may run out of class or start blankly staring off into the distance for no reason.

(I don’t know, did I stop doing the whole desc. and cresc. thing?…oh well…I’m only writing like once every so often. Does continuity really matter?)

Okay, I’m done.

k.thx.byee