I’m (not) fine (desc.)

I think I might start doing the life update at the end…I don’t know when I’ll actually finish this. Who knows, I might actually have one coherent post!…on to said potential coherent post then…

Ahh….the age-old phrase “I’m fine”.. Used so commonly by so many people that are definitely NOT fine. Used commonly by me, almost exclusively in the times that I’m dying on the inside. For me, that phrase is the biggest curse in disguise. When I use that phrase, I get one of two reactions: people who leave it alone, and people who call bullshit.

Calling bullshit

Now, sometimes, and I mean SOMETIMES, the people that I am okay with calling bullshit, actually DO help me out…as much as they can against my stubbornness to help myself in those shitty times…these people are angels that slap sense into me. But you know those people that, you’re friends with, but you’re not ACTUALLY that close to them? Like they’re nice enough, and you don’t exactly have a reason NOT to be friends with them, but you wouldn’t voluntarily go out with them alone on your own accord…yea. THOSE friends. I’ve had times where THOSE friends have called bullshit about my “fineness”, and OH BOY do I not wanna talk about it to them. Like, I barely ever talk to you on a regular basis, so why would I tell you about my issues, that by the way, I don’t completely understand myself?
Okay, okay, this is starting to make me sound super ungrateful. I do appreciate what they’re trying to do, but please don’t continue poking and prodding at the issue when I say I REALLY don’t wanna talk about it. If I wanna talk to you about the issue, I will in my own time, just let me hide amongst my pillows and blankets a little longer, behind my mask that I have so desperately tried to make look realistic and let me be.

Then there’re the times that I’ve actually been fine…not good, just fine….and these friends call my “bullshit” and make a good day bad. Okay, let me explain. So, you know that mask I briefly mentioned a couple of sentences ago? So when I’m a heaping mess and need to function as a decent member of society, that mask goes on. Whether it looks real or like a 2-year-old painted it, I have no clue, but nonetheless, it goes on. Sometimes I wear that mask for so long that, I trick myself into thinking I’m happier than I actually am. Which to me, I honestly think is awesome. Happy is happy, if I believe it, then I’m happy. So when someone calls my “bullshit” about me being fine, when I legitimately am, then I begin overthinking my happiness. When I begin overthinking, you better believe, I will OVERTHINK that shit to death. “Hmm, maybe they’re right, maybe I’m not happy, am I happy? What is happy? Was that joke yesterday even funny or was I just conforming?” and suddenly, I’m in bed not particularly wanting to move. That overthinking quite literally sent me into a depressive episode…yea.

Leaving it alone

This also can be one of two people. The people that believe me, and the people that are calling my bluff but understand that I don’t want to talk about it.
In the moment, these people are amazing. “Oh yay! My mask is working! I can continue dying on the inside and I don’t have to talk about this!” I think to myself. Now, you may think, “hmm, this is probably the way to go…just leave her alone when she say’s I’m fine.” NO! Even though it’s what I want in the moment, I know consciously that it’s not good for me. I mean, why do you think I write these blogs? I need to tell someone, as well as attempt to figure out what exactly is going on inside my head.

Talking about your feelings even if you don’t fully understand your feelings is super important. In all honesty, I think bottling it up 10 years ago was toxic for me, and the effects have lasted. So whilst I don’t want to talk about my feelings in the moment, it is probably healthier than not talking about it.

For the most part, my concern about talking to people about my feelings comes from not wanting them to be concerned about me and also not wanting them to misconstrue the information I gave them and think that it was an invitation to watch over me like a hawk to make sure that I don’t do anything…stupid. I’ve discussed this in many of my other blogs (or so I think/hope). But in case I haven’t, the last thing I want to do during these times is draw attention to myself, thus the desperate attempt to convince people I am “fine”. The thing I hate most it people watching over me. I’m not a child or a pet, I’m not really too likely to do anything stupid..and again it kinda makes me feel worse. Its just not necessary. 

In all honesty, I still have no clue what to do if I say that toxic phrase, but I definitely know that I need to stop using it, because it’s just a flat out lie that is honestly hurting more than it’s helping. As per usual, these are only my sides of the story. Other people may actually be telling the truth and other people might just be really good actors. I can’t tell you who’s who, and this isn’t really an advice column, just a general opinion. Mind you, if you are struggling, please tell someone, don’t swipe it off. It’s not good, and trust me, me being a hypocrite to this…. I’m aware it’s much easier said than done. 
Life update: it’s been a pretty crappy week…. let’s be honest. Got texts from someone that I really didn’t want to get texts from and just in a bit of a rut since. Unless I said anything to you, it really wouldn’t be noticeable that I’m forcing myself out of bed and using every last bit of energy to not stay at home and just sleep. But this is going on Facebook so who knows who’ll know now. Just want to add that the situation has been resolved… hopefully and I’ll be out of my rut as soon as I can get the energy to be a productive member of society again. 

That’s it from me. I have a few other posts up my sleeve so watch out for them. 

K.thx.bye