So currently sitting on the floor of my makeshift closet for the 4th hour, hating on myself, feeling like a general shit storm, basically blaming myself for everything that is happening in my world. Basically the “why aren’t you better?” narrative.
I wrote a letter to myself a little bit ago that called me out on all the shit that I’ve been doing to myself, that I promised myself i wouldn’t do. So here is that:
Hey you,
I just wanna apologize for all the shit I put you through. I know I over work you, keep you up and run you dry. I know that “self-care” is not wanted but rarely taken. I’m sorry. Rarely do I ever say “hey! You deserve a break! We should take one of those.” Rather the battery has run dry and we’re down to our last energy stores in a desperate plea to keep going. Just one more mile, just a few more things, just one last favour, THEN we’ll deserve that break.
The thing is that I still have no idea what that charger is. Everyone suggests all these ideas to recharge, but regardless I get more and more tired. It’s like I’m trying to plug myself into a bunch of different adaptors, and though they kinda fit, they’re not charging properly. I’m working on that. Slowly.
The fact of the matter is, that helping people simultaneously recharges and drains me. I feel really good when I’m doing it, until the stress of everything hits me and suddenly I feel like I’m drowning. I don’t know how to stop. I don’t know when to stop. If I’m there I wanna finish the job, whether it kills me or not. The biggest curse is that I’m too helpful. I know that people use that as a way to make themselves look good, but not in this case. I help people to the point that I don’t have energy, patience or time to help myself. I put the mask on everyone else on that plane but forgot to put it on myself. I’m trying to stop. I promise. So this is a promise I need to make to you. It might not happen now, but it’s gonna happen.
Dear mind,
I’m sorry I’m so horrible to you. I’m sorry that I say horrible things and make you over work and over think about unimportant things. Things that have happened in the past, things that MIGHT happen in the future, things that don’t even matter. I promise I’m gonna try and fill you with good thoughts
Dear Body,
I’m sorry I torture you. Make you work hours, days, weeks on end with no break aside from sleep. I’m sorry that the words “self-care” haven’t quite reached you yet. I promise I’ll try harder to dedicate time for you to rest. I’ll make small moments to recharge during the day, and give you big rests regularly.
Dear me,
I’m sorry I’m so hard on you. You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re doing well, and the fact that you’re here and breathing instantly makes you better than everything that I’ve been telling you for the past 10 years. You’re not fat, ugly, stupid or horrible at all. You’re amazing. Start believing it.
Regards,
Lina
I keep feeling like I’m getting better, but feel like I’m steps behind where I should be considering I’m been in this mental hellhole for 5 years. I keep trying to compare myself to others, and that’s my biggest downfall. I blame all the issues of the world on myself, and I know I need to stop.
This post was a post for me, and because I hadn’t posted here for a while. I’m studying nursing amidst a pandemic, so bear with me and my absence. But I guess if it helps to hold yourself accountable to yourself, and apologise to yourself for being too hard on yourself, then do it. Ask yourself, if someone were to say all the things you say to you to a friend (that makes grammatical sense, I promise), would you be okay with that?
k.thnx.byee
Crescendos and Decrescendos 