I broke down last night. There I said it. Anyone with depression would understand having enough, and just needing to collapse into a heaping mess because you’re just exhausted. That was me last night.
I hate being a burden on people that don’t get it. Mostly because no matter what you tell them they don’t exactly help most of the time. They try…but when you’re in the midst of it, all you want to do is relate. You wanna not feel like you’re the weird one of the lot. Not that they mean it, but they tend to do the disregarding of feelings and try and prove that your feelings are just a creation in your own head. But someone who relates knows all the techniques and things that makes them feel better. I’m not saying that everyone has type of depression, but they can relate to you and understand not quite understanding why you’re a heaping mess.
So, my boyfriend is one of the ones that has not been through it. He hasn’t been through the trenches and hells of mental health. Honestly, I wouldn’t want him to. I wouldn’t wish this upon my worst enemy let alone the one that I love. But it also means that I can’t talk to him about this stuff. I know he wants to understand and it’s hard to watch him worry about me. I do my best to tell him when I’m okay what he can do to help, and that’s all you can do. I’ve given him a cheat sheet for my anxiety, which arguably is much easier to deal with than depression…for me at least. All he could do last night was hold me and do his best. Even through the fighting him off, all he knew to do was hold me.
I talked to a friend last night about it. He told me that even though I couldn’t talk to my boyfriend about it, there were people that I could talk about it with. People I could relate to. Finding that group is like having a “shared pain” scenario. Plus, I don’t necessarily want to have my boyfriend to take all the bad stuff anyway. Is that bad?… I know in relationships you’re supposed to take the good and the bad, but…. depression and all its quirks is A LOT. It’s not like he doesn’t have to deal with some of it, but putting that on him is far too much for him to handle. I don’t want that.
On the plus side. I’m finally getting help….again. Hopefully I won’t crack anymore.
To all that are reading this, I’m sorry for Sunday night. I’m going through some stuff that is hard to explain because I don’t completely understand it. I’m sorry for any worry or harm I caused. You don’t deserve it.
That’s it from me for a bit.
K.thx.bye
Crescendos and Decrescendos 