Depression vs relationships

I broke down last night. There I said it. Anyone with depression would understand having enough, and just needing to collapse into a heaping mess because you’re just exhausted. That was me last night.

I hate being a burden on people that don’t get it. Mostly because no matter what you tell them they don’t exactly help most of the time. They try…but when you’re in the midst of it, all you want to do is relate. You wanna not feel like you’re the weird one of the lot. Not that they mean it, but they tend to do the disregarding of feelings and try and prove that your feelings are just a creation in your own head. But someone who relates knows all the techniques and things that makes them feel better. I’m not saying that everyone has type of depression, but they can relate to you and understand not quite understanding why you’re a heaping mess.

So, my boyfriend is one of the ones that has not been through it. He hasn’t been through the trenches and hells of mental health. Honestly, I wouldn’t want him to. I wouldn’t wish this upon my worst enemy let alone the one that I love. But it also means that I can’t talk to him about this stuff. I know he wants to understand and it’s hard to watch him worry about me. I do my best to tell him when I’m okay what he can do to help, and that’s all you can do. I’ve given him a cheat sheet for my anxiety, which arguably is much easier to deal with than depression…for me at least. All he could do last night was hold me and do his best. Even through the fighting him off, all he knew to do was hold me.

I talked to a friend last night about it. He told me that even though I couldn’t talk to my boyfriend about it, there were people that I could talk about it with. People I could relate to. Finding that group is like having a “shared pain” scenario. Plus, I don’t necessarily want to have my boyfriend to take all the bad stuff anyway. Is that bad?… I know in relationships you’re supposed to take the good and the bad, but…. depression and all its quirks is A LOT. It’s not like he doesn’t have to deal with some of it, but putting that on him is far too much for him to handle. I don’t want that.

On the plus side. I’m finally getting help….again. Hopefully I won’t crack anymore.

To all that are reading this, I’m sorry for Sunday night. I’m going through some stuff that is hard to explain because I don’t completely understand it. I’m sorry for any worry or harm I caused. You don’t deserve it.

That’s it from me for a bit.

K.thx.bye

Reasons why

I’ve decided to stop with the desc. and cresc. just because my posts are a mix of both. I’m trying to find the good in the bad…thus I don’t want to say that they’re good or bad specifically. Still gonna continue posting (when I can) though.

And with that. On with the post

So. I did a bit of psychoanalysis on myself. I honestly didn’t realise how much emotional abuse i copped until I started delving into why I did certain things, was afraid of other things, and had certain thoughts.

OCD

I’ve talked about this before, but I have OCD about time and money. Basically anything to do with numbers. Something that I’ve never actually been able to shake. To others having a few hundred in your spendings account is a lot. Like I’ve always found it strange that people can see $20 in their account and go “yes. I still have money I can spend”. When i go look in my bank account and see anything below $400 my mind goes into panic mode. Mind you, this is my spendings account. Not my savings. Last week i had somewhere around that mark in my spending and my mind went “whelp…guess im not going out and spending for the next week!”. Same thing goes with time. If someone tells me to be somewhere at 11, you better believe I’ll be there at least 10 mins early, with me apologizing i wasnt a shit tonne earlier!

Now you might be wondering “but what does that have to do with emotional abuse?” I think this is the least abusey thing, but my parents have always been a steggler for time. If I’m even 5 mins behind schedule, then I cop so much talk about how I should have been better, and earlier and faster. Whether it was my fault or not. I have been told so many times that things are my fault and put down that many times that I blame myself for majority of the things that happen. Its not “how can i learn from this?” It’s “you are useless, and horrible. What are you doing?”

The ‘silent’ treatment

A massive issue i have with my mental health is that i literally have zero clue how to talk about it. I have a tendency to shut up about it. I tend to worry people because I just passive aggressively say “I’m fine” and leave it at that. I think everyone who has ever had chronic mental health issues can recount the countless stories of people telling them to “get over it” and others telling them “but my life is worse”. I’ve had that from my family all my life. I’ve literally taken that on. My thinking process is not “stop sulking and stop being a drama queen”. Because I never really had too many close friends til i was in uni, I got used to no onr caring about my issues and feelings. I processed them in my head, and swept it under the carpet. If i was ever sad or in a shit mood, the usual response wasn’t “hey what’s wrong? Let’s talk about it”, it was “hey, what’s wrong? Stop sulking, your life is perfect”. Hearing that from people that you dont know is barely okay….hearing thst from people who are meant to be your carers and the ones who love you the most…i dont know. Theres something off about that.

Jealousy

Even jealousy. I hate and i mean HATE that feeling. I think its a useless feeling that is not required. But i feel it so often. I got quite jealous of someone that my other half was hanging out with. Now, this is okay. He’s allowed to hang out with whomever he likes. But my issue was that I put it in my head that she was perfect. I had put her in a golden throne in my head in the worst was possible. I literally compared her to me and convinced myself that she was better than me in every way….just the way that my parents did to me. Every time I did an achievement, it would never be enough. They would compare me to my older brother or someone who was gifted in books. I dont think i even heard the words “well done” when i graduated uni. They did however critique me on how i didn’t graduate with distinction. They have also said “why don’t you get a job with your brother? He can get you in”. Despite the fact I’ve told them multiple times, I’m a hands on caring person. I like the face to face interactions and the caring component of my job. He works in an office from 9-5 or there abouts….minimal contact with anyone, just the way he likes it. I’ve always been lead to believe that I’ll always be second best…why would i believe now, after 20 years, that I am good enough or that I’m first choice?

What is help?

I’ve turned down so many opportunities and avoided asking people for help to get me out of situations because I’m terrified of people asking me why I want to do something. I’m scared that my reasons wouldn’t be “good enough” for them, or that they’ll tell me that I’m “stupid for getting into this mess”. I’m so used to being wrong, and always having to admit i was wrong. I’ve second guessed myself too many times to count, had multiple panic attacks because I can’t decide. Again, why would I believe I was correct when I’ve always had to be the “bigger person” and been told that I was wrong? I’ve never been told “you were right and i was wrong” in my family. That only solidifies when i make a mistake actually and people get to say i told you so to me. They have every right to.

I think the worst part about their denial is that if i try and “talk to them about it” like I’ve been asked to, they’ll deny everything or mock the crap out of me, make excuses, or whatever. I mean, my mum read my diary. She justified this by saying it was out, so i must’ve “wanted her to read it”. It recounted all the times i harmed myself. We have never talked about it. She both said it was not her fault, in a lengthy letter blaming me for never talking to her, and blaming “the devil that lives inside me” that i need to “pray out of me”.

I’ve second guessed whether I’ve over reacted. Maybe this is normal and I’ve just blown things out of proportion. But i honestly have no clue anymore. I’ve been told that it is emotional abuse but i dont realise it because its literally a sense of homeostasis. I’ve gotten so used to it it’s a new norm.

This post will probably be added to in the future. But it’s 4.36am and sleep is probably needed.

K.thx.bye

That ‘self care’ thing

Writing about 5 blogs at once. Two of which are for this blog. The other ones are for the placement.

I’ve been in complete work mode for the past 2 weeks. Between placement, work and obligotarily going to gigs and open mics, and just doing a bunch of things for others opposed to myself, I’ve realised that I zapped all the emotional energy from my system. This happens relatively often, so fair to say I’m used to it. Last night I snapped. I had anxiety attacks and depressive episodes at the same time. To the point where I didn’t have energy to have another anxiety attack….I had one like 10 mins later.

By the way, for those who don’t know and don’t have them, anxiety attacks and panic attacks that last a while are freaking tiring. I think I’ve said it before in a previous blog, but man, any energy you could have possibly had left, all gone. Whether that be physical energy or emotional energy. Now…I was in a public place, and I was essentially hiding it, so my attacks came in waves of adrenaline and deep depression. Any conversations were an attempt of me gathering every last bit of energy left in me to just talk. So I said it in the last post (knowing anxiety), and I’ll say it again…don’t freaking hide an anxiety attack…it’s not fun.

Okay. Back to the self care…yeah. that’s an important thing. I really can’t stress this enough. Honestly. I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve sat there and told myself “I’ll relax when….” Or “I’ll eat properly after…..”, And not realised that my work and concentration levels are being affected because I haven’t taken care of myself. Particularly, when you have a mental health conditions, making sure you are practicing self care is SO GOD DAMN IMPORTANT.

Stress is a part of life, it’s hard on anyone, and people without MH condition take time out to make sure they’re okay. So why is so hard for us to do it? Why is it so damn hard for us to relax?… I’ll tell you why. Guilt. We feel guilty for relaxing, and taking time to ourselves. But we have to. It’s this realisation that I think we all have, but none of us are willing to follow through with. I know I’ve sat there and convinced myself that I don’t need to get up and eat because it’ll be a waste of time…. literally. I’ve got up because I was hungry and convinced myself that food isn’t as important as my work….who the hell does that?! I know food is a fairly fundamental basic necessity of life…but nah…I don’t need it.

So stress. When you have a MH condition, impacts you so much more. It’s like you’re already struggling with day to day life…getting out of bed and finding motivation to do normal stuff, and then you’ve got this added challenge of meeting expectations.

I really don’t know where I’m going with this. But self care isn’t about going to a day spa and pampering yourself. Self care is taking time to do something you WANT to do, opposed to doing something that you feel you have to do. If that means reading a book, then do that. For me it’s listening to music and watching BuzzFeed unsolved videos for hours on end. Even writing these blogs. Doing it because I wanna do it.

But I think that’s it from me. I don’t know whether that made any sense at all. So under the advice of my lovely boyfriend, I’m setting up a Facebook page. This blog started as a way to desperately try and explain my brain, whilst also start a conversation about mental health. This will hopefully add to the conversation…opposed to make people feel sorry for me. That’s the very last thing I want. I will link that in the next post, once I have the whole thing set up. Okay. I’m gonna go watch more YouTube videos.

K.thnx.bye

Knowing anxiety (desc.)

‘you can’t know what that experience is unless..well..you know it.’

I’m sorry I haven’t been writing often, but like. Let’s be honest, I’m terrible at keeping schedule. I’ve been writing blogs non stop for a bit, about mental health, just not for this blog. I’ll post some of them soon or at least link them for you guys. But anyway onto this blog.

I watch this show called the Fosters. No sorry, I’m minorly obsessed with this show. One of the characters has panic attacks, (which by the way is surprisingly accurate to how I feel, but not how I actually act) and her mum walks in to calm her down…using the 5,4,3,2,1 technique. Post anxiety attack they have a heart to heart about anxiety, and the quote above is said. It rang far too true to me.

As much as I wish I could say that I could explain it, and as much as I do try and explain the feeling of an anxiety attack, you cannot truly understand the feeling of a panic attack until you actually experience it. All I can say is that, it is not an experience I wouldn’t even wish on my worst enemy. Though I know that my current worst enemy has DEFINITELY experienced it.

I think that’s one of the main problems with treating mental health conditions. It’s so hard to explain what an anxiety or depression is like. Not only does it not strike each person differently, but most of the time, it doesn’t even present the same each time I have an episode. Honestly, sometimes I catch myself in a depressive episode and wonder whether I’m just being lazy and forgot to take my meds or something, or I’m actually having a down. Unfortunately, particularly with depressive episodes, they’re both completely spontaneously and yet so gradual at the same time. They seem to come out of nowhere, but you feel like the feeling of being down has been there all along. ‘you don’t know the feeling, til you…well.. know it’.

With my anxiety, it has so many triggers. Tonight, in fact, I found out that a potential trigger is large crowds of people I don’t know. I think that’s a fairly common one. But I’ve been triggered previously by certain smells. Those are ones that I can usually identify though. So for me, I connect people to smells, especially with partners and people that I am close to. So when I have a relationship break down (see my most toxic relationship) and I smell that someone’s scent then my brain goes into panic mode.

I think the other thing that this scene raised was the way people react to mental illnesses, particularly when there is no diagnosis of mental illness. There is a large and sad tendency for people to tell you to ‘get over it’. In fact during a panic attack, I’ve been told to just ‘calm down’. Which terrifies me. It terrifies me to know that people that don’t necessarily know what’s happening have been told to just sweep it under the rug when they have an issue, opposed to actually try and fix it. And hey. GUESS WHAT! That makes it worse!! (Shock horror! If you aggravate a problem IT GETS WORSE!). But what is hard to explain to someone that hasn’t ever experienced a panic attack that it’s something you have to ride out, and that if you try and ignore it, “calm down”, or hide it, it makes it last longer or makes it get worse.

All I have to say about this episode is that it is scarily accurate to what I have experienced. Thank you for giving representation to anxiety attacks and mental health in general. The way that it was portrayed was so accurate and so relatable. That was to a personal experience only, so to others it might seem quite staged…but each to their own.

Anyway, that’s it from me. I’ll be sure to link my other more professionally blogs, you know, when they actually get posted..

K.thx.bye

Only 10 mins early? (Desc.)

Currently sitting downstairs in my apartment block waiting for my boyfriend to get here so we can have a cute dinner date. It’s 830. It takes 15 or so mins to get there and the place closes at 1030pm. 

Most people would probably just chill out about it and be like “oh that’s plenty of time”. But oh anxiety, how I hate you and your non relaxing ways. My brain is scrambling and telling me that it’s too late and we’re not gonna have enough time to eat before the place closes. Or that there’s not gonna be enough space at the place. 

So the thing is the thing that triggers my anxiety the most, is being late to things. I was on the way to the doctors and I was only gonna be on time to it. If you have ever been to a doctor, you’d probably know that more often than not, they’re running behind time. Guess who still had an anxiety attack about the fact they wouldnt be early!…yeah. me

Now. There are many nights where I have spent the night at my boyfriend’s house when he’s had work the next morning. What I have learnt from this is that though he’s never actually late, he’s always cutting it close…by the way, not my fault whatsoever. I stay out of his way! I.e. in his bed whilst he’s rushing about around me. 

Mind you, still not the worst story in terms of tardiness and reliability, he’s not the worst. I mean he’s actually shown up, and given me time updates, which I appreciate and also do when I’m running late. (The funny thing is the first time we met, I was running late to the house inspection and have texts of me telling him I was gonna be a bit late). Majority of the time, my ex didn’t even show up to our catch ups because he was sick or asleep, conveniently only on the day that we needed to meet up. I know it was legit…I think…but really? 

So I wrote this last night. Turns out the place that I wanted to go is closed for renovations, which sucks but we were surrounded by a bunch of other restaurants so not too bothered by that, though I was totally up for hotpot last night, ah well. The date was awesome, as was the food. I feel like I may have oversold it to him though, he was in a freaking suit and tie to a casual joint. Mind you he looked hot as hell but still. I felt underdressed around him. He’s precious on so many levels. 

Anyway. I know there was a point to this, something like, anxiety attacks for really random reasons? I don’t know…I was having an anxiety attack, thinking straight isn’t my forte…..so. that’s where I’ll leave that….

K.thx.bye

To shorts or not to shorts (cresc.)

Two posts in 24 hours?! Whaaaaa? That’s what happens when you start multiple posts without finishing the last one you started…i.e. when you’re unorganised af.

The struggles of summer

If anyone reading lives in Australia, you’ll know that summer is fast approaching. If you’re even CLOSER to me, then you’ll know that Melbourne has their reputation for insane weather patterns that like to give hot days in the middle of winter. Okay Melbourne weather, that’s fine. Coz I DEFINITELY packed my board shorts and sunhat even though it was RAINING this morning. Anyway, bottom line, even though it’s not officially summer, it’s getting warmer.

Now, you’ll probably guess that one way to not overheat legs during warm weather is shorts. Ah. Those lovely creations that often end up showing the vast majority of your legs, especially girls jean shorts like I wear or as I like to call them ‘booty shorts’, because 99% of the time, your booty is showing. Yeah. Those shorts. The one that shows the vast majority of your thighs as well as the rest of your legs.

You’re probably reading this going ‘jee Lina, what do you have against short? They’re fashionable, and you have fabulous legs!’. Firstly, I don’t know how you know I have fabulous legs but I’ll take the compliment. Secondly, why do I dislike shorts? Ha. Ha. Ha. I’ll tell you why. I have a problem with self harm, take a guess where I have a tendency to harm when I do harm. Yeah. The legs. I do believe I’ve talked about this in previous posts but my legs are pretty beat up on the best days. So often I have to make a decision about whether I want to have an anxiety ridden day with me being hugely self conscious about whether people are seeing them, OR letting my legs burn in pants that are inevitably black (coz that’s the only colour pants I own). Usually the anxiety wins and my legs get to cook…fun times

Another fun summer time sport is swimming! Something I legitimately love. I use to train weekly…not hardcore train but I did get up to a fairly high level, purely because I was so persistent with training. Nowadays, I just like getting in the pool to keep up general fitness and cardio. Unfortunately, also nowadays I can’t due to the ‘cat scratches’ on my leg…but..but but..you don’t have a cat….yeah. exactly.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I’m not ashamed of my illness. I am however, annoyed at the ways in which I handle my emotions during the hard times knowing full well 1. What happens and what it is and 2. That there are multiple other ways to deal with the bad times….but instead I have to live knowing I’ve done this horrible thing to myself.

Mind you. Since starting this post, I have worn shorts and had some of my scars show, but it wasn’t for too long. Still, I publicly exposed them…after about 15 mins of deciding whether I should or not. Still…it happened.

I’m at the end of this post and I honestly don’t know where my head is at…I’m swinging from an up to a down… we’ll see how I go hey?

That’s all from me

K.thx.bye

Scars, the aftermath (desc)

Disclaimer: if you’re triggered by stories of harm then I suggest you stop reading here because this post is all about self harm. Please talk to someone if you need to get help, don’t be stubborn and think you can or have to do it by yourself. Even if you can, it’s always easier with other people supporting you through your life and all the struggles. 

Okay so this is gonna be a short one, mostly because I have a relatively clear vision as to where this post is going and also because it’s 10.40pm and I have work tomorrow morning…which really does bring to question why I didn’t just start this tomorrow morning…hmmmm…ahh well

As most of you may know from previous postings, I have troubles with self harming. I’m far from proud of it…if I was proud of it, that’d be pretty messed up. I have always and will always struggles with stopping myself from hurting myself, which really sucks! I hate it, but it’s me and I’m accepting that slowly. 

I think the bit that I struggle with the most is the aftermath. So for me, I keep a mini tally of the days, weeks, months since my last harm. The longer the better. I think a lot of people do this, but I do it to a much lesser extent. I barely remember it sometimes…which is a good thing but still. The aftermath of self harming is obviously the scars themselves. If that harm is with something that breaks skin then those scars can last for a long time to come. It’s almost serve as a constant reminder that I stuffed up and that I was weak. So basically every time I go to the toilet, I get to remember that I stuffed up. Awesome! 

Additionally, you have to hide them. I tend to pick GREAT times to get down on myself….go figures the week is starts getting hot as hell I decide to go slashing my legs up -sigh- yeah. I’m a smart cookie. To hide them I have a tendency to wear pants….which is kinda the last thing I want to do in the summer, especially cos my legs get hot as hell. 

Also. Scars are really itchy when they’re trying to heal. It’s super annoying…I don’t want to stretch but as the same time I do. If I scratch they bleed, but if I don’t stratch ahhh. 

Everytime I harm, it’s not just an in the moment thing. These scars follow me around after wards too, and I end up feeling worse about the harming than the actual problem itself. Even after the problem’s been sorted the scars still serve as a reminder…yeah. 

Anyway. I’m done. I’m tired and sleepy. Need sleep so night!!! 

K.thx.bye

The battle with a knife (desc.)

WARNING: This post contains content about self-harm. Though I haven’t been very descriptive about any instances, it may be triggering to some people. This is to reduce stigma about talking about mental health opposed to romanticizing it. IT IS NOT A GOOD THING! If you need help, PLEASE seek it!

LIFE UPDATE!
I think the most annoying thing with my current mental state, is that everything SHOULD be good in terms of my mental health; Great friends, stable job, moving on with life, but it’s not. Before I get all the votes of sympathy, I need you to know that watching over my shoulder isn’t a good thing, it’s generally unwelcome, and I’m trying to move forward. It’s hard enough to do when you’re alone, but a lot harder to do when you’re constantly being watched to make sure you don’t do something stupid.

If you have read some of my previous blog posts, you’ll notice it’s got a lot to do with my mental health, which is exactly what I want it to be about. My main aim is to some how break the stigma of talking about mental illness in a hope that more people open up and get the help they need. I’m not ashamed of my illness, I may not understand it at times, I may be annoyed that I have it and therefore require help to get through it, but I’m not ashamed of my illness, that nearly half the world will experience at some point or another in their lives (Beyondblue.com.au, awesome website to get facts). Though I do admit that I’ve written more about the anxiety side of things and less about the depression side of things, which is silly considering I’ve been struggling with it for nearly half my life. Thus, here is a blog post about that!

Harming: not a cry for attention

As you can probably tell from the title, I have had my fair share of self harming in the past. Though I hate to admit it, but I still struggling with it presently (I know I said I have no shame, but I am ashamed about the way I cope with it, not with the depression itself). That being said, I don’t nearly have as much trouble with it as I did before, but the temptation never really leaves, it just lingers in the back of your mind and waits for trouble to arise. At that moment it strikes, and makes me believe that I deserve it, that it’ll make me feel better about life.

The thing that peeves me about the stigma around self harm, is that most self harmers really DON’T do it for the attention. I know at my lowest times, I would do everything in my power to hide the scars so no one would find them. Once, my friend saw some of them. They were on my wrist and the bandana that was covering it had come loose, exposing them. I said that I’d scratched myself because of the mosquito bites. From that time, I started harming in places that were easy to get to but also easy to cover.

If I was doing it for the attention, I would have shown the world, made no attempt to cover them, and just told everyone about them. I was so ashamed of them, I didn’t want everyone to know my secret. I didn’t want anyone to know that I was weak, and was a crappy human, and hated myself for something that I didn’t quite understand.

I used it as a coping mechanism, even though I couldn’t control the numbness in my brain, I could control the pain that I was creating on the outside. Additionally, I would use it as a form of ‘punishment’. I convinced myself that I deserved everything that I was doing to myself, I hurt people, and did bad thus I need to do bad to myself. Which admittedly isn’t the best way to go about things, but in the moment it seems so much more logical.

The other myth about self harming is that harmers are suicidal. Okay, yes, SOME are actually suicidal, and I was at some stages, but it really isn’t a way to attempt to end their life. I heard this thing once, that was something like “I don’t want to kill myself, but if my life were to end, it wouldn’t be the worst thing”, which basically explained my situation to a tee. They were ideations, as opposed to actual plans. Some people aren’t even like that. Some people harm to escape from the realities of the world, they still want to live despite being in pain.

The recovery + relapse potential

I said before that I still struggle with my self harm. It kinda sucks, but in reality, I’m always gonna have trouble staying away from it when times get super rough. I’m always gonna have the little voice in the back of my head telling me that I “deserve” what I’m doing to myself. I compare it to other types of addictions, it’s a behavioural addiction, the temptation will always be there as it is a source of comfort, even though you know LOGICALLY it’s not right.

People, especially ones that know me personally, probably know the “butterfly project” as well as the “semi colon project”. The Butterfly Project is basically where people that self harm draw butterflies on themselves as a means of distraction, and also a way so they don’t ruin their drawings and “kill” their butterflies, something that I’ve done in the past. The semicolon project is for people who have been suicidal, or know people that that taken their lives. The concept behind this is – an author chooses to use a semi colon when they could have ended the sentence but chose to continue it. See the connection?

I talk about both these things as they both have a close connection to me. As part of the recovery process, I have designed a tattoo that encapsulates both these concepts. I will ATTTEMPT to get a photo and put it in this post. It will hopefully serve as a reminder that I’ve gotten through the hard times, and not remind me of all the crappy times I’ve been through. We’ll see how that goes, shall we?

My Tattoo: My drawing skills and artistic skills are pretty crappy. but the simple concept is there

That’s all from me today. As per usual I didn’t write this all in one sitting, though the sittings weren’t so far apart this time…BUT I did make myself one step closer to being a driving human. YAYYY!!! So that’s good. I also keep getting emails of people following this, which is actually awesome. HELLOO READERS!!! Okay. I need to get back to life now.

k.thnx.byeeeeee

Me vs coffee (desc.)

Just finished my exams! Yay! And how do I choose to celebrate? By writing a blog post….yeah…..I’m not normal.

Me vs Anxiety

As you might well know, I have an anxiety disorder. I haven’t been to my psych in a bit, so the exact severity at the moment is not known (probably not a good thing….). This anxiety disorder tends to give me anxiety attacks in random places, most commonly identified by me frantically rubbing my hands together, against my legs, or just rubbing my hands against surfaces (surprisingly, I haven’t torn skin in the process). A lot of the time it kinda acts like PTSD, acting in conjunction with certain trigger that has reminded of me some random event, or like my brain just deciding that it wishes to replay an embarrassing moment out of the blue – thanks brain, DEFINITELY wanted to remember that moment 10 YEARS AGO – or on the occasion, in high stress moments. The good thing about those anxiety moments is that I can usually justify why I’m feeling that way, and reason with myself – challenge them thoughts. I’m not too concerned with those moments, those can often pass with the deep breathing an general relaxation.

Now lets add coffee! 

The moments I want to talk about mainly are those ones that usually occur in the morning to early afternoon. The ones that occur usually when I have had little sleep, have an early class or test. The ones that occur when I have my FAVOURITE thing on a cold winter’s morning, just before I sit and listen to a person speak for 2 hours about something. That’s it, the one’ that involve COFFEE!

Now, I can certifiably credit coffee to being a trigger, I have asked my psychs in the past about this, and they say this is relatively common. Unfortunately for me, it is something really bad that I have to deal with. I have a mini addiction to coffee. Me being a uni student and all, it’s about the only thing that gets me through a day, especially classes that start before midday. But the thing is, coffee + me sitting down and not moving for 2 hours = me shaking and having an anxiety attack. The biology of it is relatively simple. Coffee = stimulant = gives me energy. Now take away the ability to move, and then we have issues. All this pent up energy is stirring inside me, and then I panic about the fact I’m having a panic attack….it’s the same symptoms…hands shaking, heart rate increase, foot starts madly tapping….and thus I have a panic attack about having a panic attack. Oh the irony!

Why am I talking about this today? Today of all days? WELL….guess who decided to have 3 shots of coffee before their exam! THIS PERSON! Well done Lina…well done. So if we apply the same logic before – overload of coffee + me not being able to move, HA! GUESS WHAT HAPPENS. Thank god I got it relatively under control, and used majority of the 15 mins reading time to try and suppress the anxiety as far down as I possibly can. Oh did I happen to mention that stress is also a really bad thing for my anxiety? Ha. Let add THAT into the equation! Honestly, have no clue about what happened in that exam…

For the most part, I think I got through it relatively alright….I didn’t die which is GREAT! Though I will say that I’m feeling the residual affects of suppressing that anxiety. I really need to move around, rather than, you know…..sit in a sedimentary position for an hour, staring at a screen……probably a good idea…..

And on that note. I really need to move from my place. So that’s it. According to my stats, people are reading! Maybe it’ll keep up??? I don’t know. But if it does. HI READERS! Feel free to comment any topics or opinions. Just no direct negativity. Play nice guys.

Well…I’m off then.

k.thnx.bye