Writing about 5 blogs at once. Two of which are for this blog. The other ones are for the placement.
I’ve been in complete work mode for the past 2 weeks. Between placement, work and obligotarily going to gigs and open mics, and just doing a bunch of things for others opposed to myself, I’ve realised that I zapped all the emotional energy from my system. This happens relatively often, so fair to say I’m used to it. Last night I snapped. I had anxiety attacks and depressive episodes at the same time. To the point where I didn’t have energy to have another anxiety attack….I had one like 10 mins later.
By the way, for those who don’t know and don’t have them, anxiety attacks and panic attacks that last a while are freaking tiring. I think I’ve said it before in a previous blog, but man, any energy you could have possibly had left, all gone. Whether that be physical energy or emotional energy. Now…I was in a public place, and I was essentially hiding it, so my attacks came in waves of adrenaline and deep depression. Any conversations were an attempt of me gathering every last bit of energy left in me to just talk. So I said it in the last post (knowing anxiety), and I’ll say it again…don’t freaking hide an anxiety attack…it’s not fun.
Okay. Back to the self care…yeah. that’s an important thing. I really can’t stress this enough. Honestly. I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve sat there and told myself “I’ll relax when….” Or “I’ll eat properly after…..”, And not realised that my work and concentration levels are being affected because I haven’t taken care of myself. Particularly, when you have a mental health conditions, making sure you are practicing self care is SO GOD DAMN IMPORTANT.
Stress is a part of life, it’s hard on anyone, and people without MH condition take time out to make sure they’re okay. So why is so hard for us to do it? Why is it so damn hard for us to relax?… I’ll tell you why. Guilt. We feel guilty for relaxing, and taking time to ourselves. But we have to. It’s this realisation that I think we all have, but none of us are willing to follow through with. I know I’ve sat there and convinced myself that I don’t need to get up and eat because it’ll be a waste of time…. literally. I’ve got up because I was hungry and convinced myself that food isn’t as important as my work….who the hell does that?! I know food is a fairly fundamental basic necessity of life…but nah…I don’t need it.
So stress. When you have a MH condition, impacts you so much more. It’s like you’re already struggling with day to day life…getting out of bed and finding motivation to do normal stuff, and then you’ve got this added challenge of meeting expectations.
I really don’t know where I’m going with this. But self care isn’t about going to a day spa and pampering yourself. Self care is taking time to do something you WANT to do, opposed to doing something that you feel you have to do. If that means reading a book, then do that. For me it’s listening to music and watching BuzzFeed unsolved videos for hours on end. Even writing these blogs. Doing it because I wanna do it.
But I think that’s it from me. I don’t know whether that made any sense at all. So under the advice of my lovely boyfriend, I’m setting up a Facebook page. This blog started as a way to desperately try and explain my brain, whilst also start a conversation about mental health. This will hopefully add to the conversation…opposed to make people feel sorry for me. That’s the very last thing I want. I will link that in the next post, once I have the whole thing set up. Okay. I’m gonna go watch more YouTube videos.
K.thnx.bye
Crescendos and Decrescendos 