That ‘self care’ thing

Writing about 5 blogs at once. Two of which are for this blog. The other ones are for the placement.

I’ve been in complete work mode for the past 2 weeks. Between placement, work and obligotarily going to gigs and open mics, and just doing a bunch of things for others opposed to myself, I’ve realised that I zapped all the emotional energy from my system. This happens relatively often, so fair to say I’m used to it. Last night I snapped. I had anxiety attacks and depressive episodes at the same time. To the point where I didn’t have energy to have another anxiety attack….I had one like 10 mins later.

By the way, for those who don’t know and don’t have them, anxiety attacks and panic attacks that last a while are freaking tiring. I think I’ve said it before in a previous blog, but man, any energy you could have possibly had left, all gone. Whether that be physical energy or emotional energy. Now…I was in a public place, and I was essentially hiding it, so my attacks came in waves of adrenaline and deep depression. Any conversations were an attempt of me gathering every last bit of energy left in me to just talk. So I said it in the last post (knowing anxiety), and I’ll say it again…don’t freaking hide an anxiety attack…it’s not fun.

Okay. Back to the self care…yeah. that’s an important thing. I really can’t stress this enough. Honestly. I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve sat there and told myself “I’ll relax when….” Or “I’ll eat properly after…..”, And not realised that my work and concentration levels are being affected because I haven’t taken care of myself. Particularly, when you have a mental health conditions, making sure you are practicing self care is SO GOD DAMN IMPORTANT.

Stress is a part of life, it’s hard on anyone, and people without MH condition take time out to make sure they’re okay. So why is so hard for us to do it? Why is it so damn hard for us to relax?… I’ll tell you why. Guilt. We feel guilty for relaxing, and taking time to ourselves. But we have to. It’s this realisation that I think we all have, but none of us are willing to follow through with. I know I’ve sat there and convinced myself that I don’t need to get up and eat because it’ll be a waste of time…. literally. I’ve got up because I was hungry and convinced myself that food isn’t as important as my work….who the hell does that?! I know food is a fairly fundamental basic necessity of life…but nah…I don’t need it.

So stress. When you have a MH condition, impacts you so much more. It’s like you’re already struggling with day to day life…getting out of bed and finding motivation to do normal stuff, and then you’ve got this added challenge of meeting expectations.

I really don’t know where I’m going with this. But self care isn’t about going to a day spa and pampering yourself. Self care is taking time to do something you WANT to do, opposed to doing something that you feel you have to do. If that means reading a book, then do that. For me it’s listening to music and watching BuzzFeed unsolved videos for hours on end. Even writing these blogs. Doing it because I wanna do it.

But I think that’s it from me. I don’t know whether that made any sense at all. So under the advice of my lovely boyfriend, I’m setting up a Facebook page. This blog started as a way to desperately try and explain my brain, whilst also start a conversation about mental health. This will hopefully add to the conversation…opposed to make people feel sorry for me. That’s the very last thing I want. I will link that in the next post, once I have the whole thing set up. Okay. I’m gonna go watch more YouTube videos.

K.thnx.bye

Knowing anxiety (desc.)

‘you can’t know what that experience is unless..well..you know it.’

I’m sorry I haven’t been writing often, but like. Let’s be honest, I’m terrible at keeping schedule. I’ve been writing blogs non stop for a bit, about mental health, just not for this blog. I’ll post some of them soon or at least link them for you guys. But anyway onto this blog.

I watch this show called the Fosters. No sorry, I’m minorly obsessed with this show. One of the characters has panic attacks, (which by the way is surprisingly accurate to how I feel, but not how I actually act) and her mum walks in to calm her down…using the 5,4,3,2,1 technique. Post anxiety attack they have a heart to heart about anxiety, and the quote above is said. It rang far too true to me.

As much as I wish I could say that I could explain it, and as much as I do try and explain the feeling of an anxiety attack, you cannot truly understand the feeling of a panic attack until you actually experience it. All I can say is that, it is not an experience I wouldn’t even wish on my worst enemy. Though I know that my current worst enemy has DEFINITELY experienced it.

I think that’s one of the main problems with treating mental health conditions. It’s so hard to explain what an anxiety or depression is like. Not only does it not strike each person differently, but most of the time, it doesn’t even present the same each time I have an episode. Honestly, sometimes I catch myself in a depressive episode and wonder whether I’m just being lazy and forgot to take my meds or something, or I’m actually having a down. Unfortunately, particularly with depressive episodes, they’re both completely spontaneously and yet so gradual at the same time. They seem to come out of nowhere, but you feel like the feeling of being down has been there all along. ‘you don’t know the feeling, til you…well.. know it’.

With my anxiety, it has so many triggers. Tonight, in fact, I found out that a potential trigger is large crowds of people I don’t know. I think that’s a fairly common one. But I’ve been triggered previously by certain smells. Those are ones that I can usually identify though. So for me, I connect people to smells, especially with partners and people that I am close to. So when I have a relationship break down (see my most toxic relationship) and I smell that someone’s scent then my brain goes into panic mode.

I think the other thing that this scene raised was the way people react to mental illnesses, particularly when there is no diagnosis of mental illness. There is a large and sad tendency for people to tell you to ‘get over it’. In fact during a panic attack, I’ve been told to just ‘calm down’. Which terrifies me. It terrifies me to know that people that don’t necessarily know what’s happening have been told to just sweep it under the rug when they have an issue, opposed to actually try and fix it. And hey. GUESS WHAT! That makes it worse!! (Shock horror! If you aggravate a problem IT GETS WORSE!). But what is hard to explain to someone that hasn’t ever experienced a panic attack that it’s something you have to ride out, and that if you try and ignore it, “calm down”, or hide it, it makes it last longer or makes it get worse.

All I have to say about this episode is that it is scarily accurate to what I have experienced. Thank you for giving representation to anxiety attacks and mental health in general. The way that it was portrayed was so accurate and so relatable. That was to a personal experience only, so to others it might seem quite staged…but each to their own.

Anyway, that’s it from me. I’ll be sure to link my other more professionally blogs, you know, when they actually get posted..

K.thx.bye

Scars, the aftermath (desc)

Disclaimer: if you’re triggered by stories of harm then I suggest you stop reading here because this post is all about self harm. Please talk to someone if you need to get help, don’t be stubborn and think you can or have to do it by yourself. Even if you can, it’s always easier with other people supporting you through your life and all the struggles. 

Okay so this is gonna be a short one, mostly because I have a relatively clear vision as to where this post is going and also because it’s 10.40pm and I have work tomorrow morning…which really does bring to question why I didn’t just start this tomorrow morning…hmmmm…ahh well

As most of you may know from previous postings, I have troubles with self harming. I’m far from proud of it…if I was proud of it, that’d be pretty messed up. I have always and will always struggles with stopping myself from hurting myself, which really sucks! I hate it, but it’s me and I’m accepting that slowly. 

I think the bit that I struggle with the most is the aftermath. So for me, I keep a mini tally of the days, weeks, months since my last harm. The longer the better. I think a lot of people do this, but I do it to a much lesser extent. I barely remember it sometimes…which is a good thing but still. The aftermath of self harming is obviously the scars themselves. If that harm is with something that breaks skin then those scars can last for a long time to come. It’s almost serve as a constant reminder that I stuffed up and that I was weak. So basically every time I go to the toilet, I get to remember that I stuffed up. Awesome! 

Additionally, you have to hide them. I tend to pick GREAT times to get down on myself….go figures the week is starts getting hot as hell I decide to go slashing my legs up -sigh- yeah. I’m a smart cookie. To hide them I have a tendency to wear pants….which is kinda the last thing I want to do in the summer, especially cos my legs get hot as hell. 

Also. Scars are really itchy when they’re trying to heal. It’s super annoying…I don’t want to stretch but as the same time I do. If I scratch they bleed, but if I don’t stratch ahhh. 

Everytime I harm, it’s not just an in the moment thing. These scars follow me around after wards too, and I end up feeling worse about the harming than the actual problem itself. Even after the problem’s been sorted the scars still serve as a reminder…yeah. 

Anyway. I’m done. I’m tired and sleepy. Need sleep so night!!! 

K.thx.bye

Mental health vs. your new S.O (desc.)

So I got my bag stolen yesterday, I failed my driving test, and have just been in a general slump for a little while. The term ‘struggle street’ has really never been so real. I’ve been on an extreme down for the first time in a long time.

But in other news, I have a new boyfriend. Now if you read ‘another day another break up’ you’ll know that I only recently got out of a relationship… you’ll probably also know that I wanted to be single for a while…HA. HA. HA. that plan went downhill, then jumped into fire and died. Which is all fine. He’s actually a shit tonne better than all the other guys I’ve dated.

Obviously with new relationships, information about mental health needs to come up….now more than ever it needed to come out. After all the stuff that has happened this week, I’m not necessarily in a great place mentally. Talking about mental health is relatively easy for me when I’m at a high and not experiencing the low in the time, talking about my problems in the moment is not quite so easy. Then with the added pressure of telling someone that you care about and don’t want to lose… that’s what pretty much just kills me. There is never a certainty on how someone will react if you tell them that you have self harmed. Will they be horrified? Will they be disgusted? Will they look at you differently?

So you could probably guess that I told my boyfriend about the harming. He knew about the depression and anxiety, but not about the scars that run down my legs (that are faded…but yeh). I told him that I needed to talk to him about something…(just an FYI..don’t do that..the first thought will always be ‘are they breaking up with me?’)

I went to his house because it’s not something I wanted to do over text. It’s not exactly something that you really want to do at all but it’s a necessary. He, in all his adorableness, answered the door gave me a hug and asked me what was up. I avoided the topic for like 10 mins. I didn’t want to say it, but really who would?? But he sat he down and asked me what was up (whilst eating his breakfast…freaking cute as creature). I told him about the self harm, and it was the hardest words I had to say. All he did was hug me and tell me he understood. His only concern was about my safety in terms of my health.

Just before I got to his place, I’d been texting friends that knew everything that was going on, and they all told me the same thing, that if he was worth it, he’d understand if not then no. And it’s true. The unfortunate problem about mental illness is that it is still so heavily stigmatised. No one wants to admit that they need help, and unfortunately that’s how and why the problems get worse. I have a tendency to talk about my issues after they’ve happened…like LONG after they’ve happened. I hate people worrying about me.

If you need to or want to tell your S.O. about your issues, it’s something you should probably do sooner rather than later. The biggest test in a relationship is how you handle the bad stuff. In a relationship you need to be able to accept the bad things even if they’re hard.

He kept telling me that he didn’t think any less of me. He literally just calmed all my insecurities about that conversation. I think the quote of the night was that I wasn’t doing badly: ‘I don’t think any less of you. I’m not just attracted to you because of your good stuff, I’m attracted to the bad stuff as well. I’m attracted to all of you and your flaws because they make you, you’

I’m still struggling, and for sure, it was easier to talk about MH with some of my exes because I knew they’d been through it so I knew there wouldnt be a level of judgement, but in order for this relationship to work I need to break down all my walls and let him in even if it’s hard.

I’m sitting in my bed right now, really not wanting to move, but I do need to make a few phone calls…in particular to my mother so I can find the location of my shoes. Hmm. I need to do stuff. So I’ll catch ya later.

K.thx.bye