I’ve decided to stop with the desc. and cresc. just because my posts are a mix of both. I’m trying to find the good in the bad…thus I don’t want to say that they’re good or bad specifically. Still gonna continue posting (when I can) though.
And with that. On with the post
So. I did a bit of psychoanalysis on myself. I honestly didn’t realise how much emotional abuse i copped until I started delving into why I did certain things, was afraid of other things, and had certain thoughts.
OCD
I’ve talked about this before, but I have OCD about time and money. Basically anything to do with numbers. Something that I’ve never actually been able to shake. To others having a few hundred in your spendings account is a lot. Like I’ve always found it strange that people can see $20 in their account and go “yes. I still have money I can spend”. When i go look in my bank account and see anything below $400 my mind goes into panic mode. Mind you, this is my spendings account. Not my savings. Last week i had somewhere around that mark in my spending and my mind went “whelp…guess im not going out and spending for the next week!”. Same thing goes with time. If someone tells me to be somewhere at 11, you better believe I’ll be there at least 10 mins early, with me apologizing i wasnt a shit tonne earlier!
Now you might be wondering “but what does that have to do with emotional abuse?” I think this is the least abusey thing, but my parents have always been a steggler for time. If I’m even 5 mins behind schedule, then I cop so much talk about how I should have been better, and earlier and faster. Whether it was my fault or not. I have been told so many times that things are my fault and put down that many times that I blame myself for majority of the things that happen. Its not “how can i learn from this?” It’s “you are useless, and horrible. What are you doing?”
The ‘silent’ treatment
A massive issue i have with my mental health is that i literally have zero clue how to talk about it. I have a tendency to shut up about it. I tend to worry people because I just passive aggressively say “I’m fine” and leave it at that. I think everyone who has ever had chronic mental health issues can recount the countless stories of people telling them to “get over it” and others telling them “but my life is worse”. I’ve had that from my family all my life. I’ve literally taken that on. My thinking process is not “stop sulking and stop being a drama queen”. Because I never really had too many close friends til i was in uni, I got used to no onr caring about my issues and feelings. I processed them in my head, and swept it under the carpet. If i was ever sad or in a shit mood, the usual response wasn’t “hey what’s wrong? Let’s talk about it”, it was “hey, what’s wrong? Stop sulking, your life is perfect”. Hearing that from people that you dont know is barely okay….hearing thst from people who are meant to be your carers and the ones who love you the most…i dont know. Theres something off about that.
Jealousy
Even jealousy. I hate and i mean HATE that feeling. I think its a useless feeling that is not required. But i feel it so often. I got quite jealous of someone that my other half was hanging out with. Now, this is okay. He’s allowed to hang out with whomever he likes. But my issue was that I put it in my head that she was perfect. I had put her in a golden throne in my head in the worst was possible. I literally compared her to me and convinced myself that she was better than me in every way….just the way that my parents did to me. Every time I did an achievement, it would never be enough. They would compare me to my older brother or someone who was gifted in books. I dont think i even heard the words “well done” when i graduated uni. They did however critique me on how i didn’t graduate with distinction. They have also said “why don’t you get a job with your brother? He can get you in”. Despite the fact I’ve told them multiple times, I’m a hands on caring person. I like the face to face interactions and the caring component of my job. He works in an office from 9-5 or there abouts….minimal contact with anyone, just the way he likes it. I’ve always been lead to believe that I’ll always be second best…why would i believe now, after 20 years, that I am good enough or that I’m first choice?
What is help?
I’ve turned down so many opportunities and avoided asking people for help to get me out of situations because I’m terrified of people asking me why I want to do something. I’m scared that my reasons wouldn’t be “good enough” for them, or that they’ll tell me that I’m “stupid for getting into this mess”. I’m so used to being wrong, and always having to admit i was wrong. I’ve second guessed myself too many times to count, had multiple panic attacks because I can’t decide. Again, why would I believe I was correct when I’ve always had to be the “bigger person” and been told that I was wrong? I’ve never been told “you were right and i was wrong” in my family. That only solidifies when i make a mistake actually and people get to say i told you so to me. They have every right to.
I think the worst part about their denial is that if i try and “talk to them about it” like I’ve been asked to, they’ll deny everything or mock the crap out of me, make excuses, or whatever. I mean, my mum read my diary. She justified this by saying it was out, so i must’ve “wanted her to read it”. It recounted all the times i harmed myself. We have never talked about it. She both said it was not her fault, in a lengthy letter blaming me for never talking to her, and blaming “the devil that lives inside me” that i need to “pray out of me”.
I’ve second guessed whether I’ve over reacted. Maybe this is normal and I’ve just blown things out of proportion. But i honestly have no clue anymore. I’ve been told that it is emotional abuse but i dont realise it because its literally a sense of homeostasis. I’ve gotten so used to it it’s a new norm.
This post will probably be added to in the future. But it’s 4.36am and sleep is probably needed.
K.thx.bye
Crescendos and Decrescendos 