You know those times when you think it’s just a tiny issue, then you think about it and you realise it SOO much more than that? That it’s just one part of this huge problem?
So I was gonna name this ‘illogical jealousy’, talking exclusively about jealousy in a relationship context…. then shit started happening and I realised that it was just one part of this huge problem I’ve suffered with for my goddamn whole life.
I freaking hate jealousy. It’s stupid. It’s the most useless emotion ever. I’m not saying that other people shouldn’t feel jealousy towards me… I’m saying I have feeling jealous, especially towards the actions of my given half. I mean like, LOGICALLY, I know I’m not gonna get left just because someone is prettier than I am or smarter or whatever. Somewhere in my brain, it can’t quite get it, and it leave me in complete doubt of my whole existence. “He’s gonna leave me for her, she’s so much better than me, I’m just the consolation prize”…yeah stupid right?
You know how I said that this was a part of a bigger problem? So there is a preconceived notion in my brain that I’m never gonna be the best, that I’m never gonna be good enough, that before I’ve tried I’m ALREADY not good enough.
You can probably tell I’m not exactly the most resilient person. I am literally my own worst enemy. I don’t really know if it’s because I’ve been met with so many failures that I’ve come to an automatic assumption that everything will fail (not a good way of thinking by the way) or I’ve just never had enough self esteem to think I could do succeed in the first place (also not a good way of thinking). I mean you can’t fail if you didn’t try right?
So I’m going through so much right now. I need to do so much stuff, but I’ve already got the outcome in my head of how it’s probably gonna go. This would be okay, but I have about 5 cheerleaders from various places and understandings to the situation that tell me otherwise. I’ve already convinced myself that the worst case scenario is what is gonna happen, and I don’t want to see it happen. I haven’t even given it a try and I’ve given myself more work because I’m scared of seeing what I think/”know” is gonna happen play out.
Alternatively, in the case of jealousy…why I created this post in the first place. I know that everything I’m thinking is illogical, so I talk to everyone to help me sort out the thoughts in my head except for the one person that can ACTUALLY help me. So I got super hung up on a situation involving my boyfriend. Basically what it boils down to (logically) is that he has eyes. He thought (and probably still thinks) that another girl is physically attractive. This is perfectly fine, because honestly….yeah…she was gorgeous. Now, consciously and logically, I could put that together, but my illogical side and my anxiety had other plans. I literally had the thought in my head that he was gonna leave me and that he thought that she was better than me. I had told about 10 other people this. You know the one person I didn’t tell? My boyfriend….the one person that could’ve put everything straight. And it was because I knew that it was illogical, and again, I jump to conclusions and didn’t want to start a fight. Instead I suffer in silence.
I actually have zero clue whether I’m alone in this or not. I wanna hear your stories if you have them. If you can relate to it, there’s a comments section on wordpress. Or you can message me on the Facebook or comment on the Facebook post.
I hope I can get some slightly more cheerful posts up soon. Some cresc. posts maybe. If you guys have anything you want me to write about in a long rambly post that leads nowhere…hit me with it. Might as well give you guys something that you actually want to read than something that I get from my everyday life then over think.
Okay. I’ve tried to finish this post twice now. Third time lucky? Yea. I’m off.
K.thx.bye
Crescendos and Decrescendos 